Savages

I grew up in a small town in Southeastern Colorado. My high school mascot is known as the Savage. Many claim that it is known as the Noble Savage, but I lived there for 18 years and had never heard that term until this year (I’m 22 now) when the identity of our mascot is at stake. Growing up in Lamar you look forward to becoming a Lamar High School Savage. There is a certain nobility in becoming a savage to those of us who have lived all our lives as Savages. The name to us is more of a great warrior and an Native American one at that. Growing up we did units studying the culture of the Native Americans and taking field trips to view hieroglyphics. The culture is of course respected by all, but not all respect us for it.

As I stated the identity of the mascot is at stake. The Denver post reported it. “Williams [CO state Senator] introduced a bill this week that would require all public and charter high schools with Indian mascots to “either cease using the American Indian mascot or obtain approval for the continued use of the American Indian mascot or another American Indian mascot from the Colorado Commission of Indian Affairs”

Read more: http://www.denverpost.com/ci_14243392?obref=obinsite#ixzz0e3wdLdeQ

Now many people have stated that they would love to see the Savage stay. As I have stated to those in Lamar it is a NOBLE character and held in the highest esteem. But the the word Savage has very derogatory meaning to those outside the town. Those that love our mascot have even tried to convince others to just change the name. Keep our Chieftain figure and adopt a tribe (if they’ll have us after the terms we’ve used for so long) and use their name. The Cheyenne, Arapahoe, Kiowa, and Apache tribes are still influential in communities around Lamar and I’m sure would be perfectly happy to share ideas. Even changing the name to something as simple as the Chieftains would be an easy compromise. It would ruin the towns savage roots and they would have to change much. I mean the high school newspaper is already the savage Cheiftain (that’s an easy fix) and the yearbook is the Chieftain.

I am not against the mascot I grew up with. But I am against those who don’t seem to understand the effect it has on people outside of Lamar. Some want to say that it doesn’t matter anywhere else but when a town is picked out of an entire state and probably most of the country for it’s offensive mascot don’t you think a change should be made? You can’t explain to everyone what being a Savage truly means to you and expect them to understand it, let alone believe it. You can however understand hate. We are all victims of it at some point or another. And that’s what the point of changing the mascots name is about.

It is hateful to those who were wrongfully called savages when they were really fighting for what was rightfully theirs. It is hateful to say that it doesn’t matter what other people think, especially when you want people to think what you say matters. It is hateful, not to mention ignorant of those who can’t even step into someone else’s “moccasins” to see what such a term as Savage can mean to someone other than yourself.

So, in my opinion we need to step out of our comfort zone, our home town pride and see how the other half really lives. And, pay tribute to the mascot we represent in a respectful and honorable way.

understanding

I’ve always been the kind of person that has to think before I speak. I am not a quick thinker if you ask me a serious question. I have to mull things over so that I can give you an intelligent answer.

I am also not quick to ask questions. It’s not because I don’t have any.

I’m not good at making friends…I’m okay at keeping the ones I have though. At least I think I am, but I’m probably not the best at it.

I realize that I am a lot stronger than I think I am. I have never lived alone. Ever. I just spent 9 days by myself and couldn’t feel better about it. The first few days were rough without my husband around. Now I realize that I don’t need him to survive, I just prefer to have him with me.

I’m not good at being supportive. Not because I don’t want to be. Mostly because different people need support in different ways and it’s hard to figure out where they the support or if they’ll accept it.

I’m good at making excuses…

To be continued….

Childhood 1:My Sister

My sister taught me everything growing up. She was my role model. Kristen is her name. She is four years older than me. If you ask her about the day I was born she’ll tell you about waking up and finding our Aunt Lisa on the couch with her pants unbuttoned. My Aunt told her it was more comfortable to sleep that way. My Aunt then took her to the hospital, they didn’t have scrubs small enough for my sister to put on to come and see me, but they did have a small doctors lab coat. I don’t remember her saying anything about me when she remembers that day but I’m pretty sure from that day she knew she would show me something.

Kristen was my teacher growing up. I had an easel chalkboard in the corner of my room when I was little. If it wasn’t nice outside you would find us sitting in my room playing “school.” My sister was always the teacher and I was always the student. By the time I was in kindergarten I could write my name in cursive and print, I could read small books by myself, and I could add and subtract. She was also the one who taught me how to tie my shoes and ride a bike. She was the only one who really knew how to teach me. My parents pretty much just had to potty train, my sister was my tutor after that.

I loved doing things with my sister. In our basement (which was unfinished at the time) we had a big playroom. It was full of Barbies and stuffed animals and the Barbie Jeep, which I only got to play with on occasion. We used to play for hours down there. Before I learned to ride my bike I used to cruise the neighborhood in my red car, those cool little pedal ones, and she would ride her mountain bike. We also had a huge tractor tire in our backyard as a sandbox. We built forts and motes.

We will probably forever laugh about how she called me a queer, and I compared being queer to being like Michael Jackson(and how I confused up Michael Jackson with Michale Jordan a lot). She’ll probably never forget the many times I slept walked into her room. Or when I used to sleep with her and we would put bread and pretzels in water until they got really soggy and then eat them. We were interesting. Paula Abdul was awesome to dance to. Ace of Base was the best to sing too. And a yellow boom box played all of our favorite songs. The time I stepped on her crocheting needle on New Years Eve. When she got her first car. When Scooter pooped in her car. Playing in a refridgerator box at Patsy’s house. Cheerleading camp (neither of us turned out to be cheerleaders).

I have always looked up to my sister. She definitely taught me a lot growing up. I admire her so much. I love her so much, even though I don’t say it nearly enough. She made my childhood wonderful and was the perfect big sister for me.

A Cord of 3 Strands

Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

I find marriage such a beautiful thing. Today in church our pastor brought up Matthew 18:20, when two or more gather in my name there I will be also. It started me thinking about what a glorious thing Christian marriage is. When a man and wife come together in the Spirit they are joined in Christ’s name forever. Jesus is always with them. They came together in his name to become one, and the two will never be apart from Christ.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Colossians 3:13-14 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Mark 10:9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

What I learned Today.

Today I learned that I will never be a “good wife.” I will never know just what to say and when to say it. I will probaly not say it loud enough even if I do find the right time. I’m probably never going to make my husband happy. Or permanently happy that is. I don’t have the ability to be everything, and I don’t want it. I can’t be perfect, I can only be me. And me, is a little messed up. However, my husband and I are firm believers in Jesus. He is where our salvation lies, where our happiness lies. And I can be happy with that always.

So, I can never be a “good wife.” But I do know that I can be a loving wife, and I think that matters most.

My Journey

I’m one of those people that are really terrible at expressing their feelings. In fact, half the time I don’t express them. I am a message in a bottle, if you can pop the cork you’ll be taken into a world of deep emotion.

I’ve always  been a pretty quiet person. It takes me a while to make friends because I’m not good at opening up. I’ve come to realize that to get to know me, the real me, you have to be patient. I think I’m realizing that now. Since coming to Nashville I have made exactly one super close friend that I could spill my emotions out to. I have made many other friends at work that know me, mostly. They don’t know the deep parts of me though. They know I’m married, basically happy with my life, that I have two dogs I love, and that I love reading. That’s pretty much me. However, most of them don’t know about my past, they just know my present. I have a roller coaster of a past, at least I feel that way. Up and down, granted it could be a lot worse.

Recently, I’ve felt this longing to be closer to God. God has then been calling me into fellowship. Something I’ve never been great at. I’ve always had close friends from back home and haven’t had to build something up. Except with Anna, my best friend in Nashville. I feel the reason I became so close to her was because we spent everyday together and really tried to invest in each others lives. Now, I’m having to learn how to invest in the lives of people I only see a couple times a month, or maybe once a week. It is so hard, especially since I’m scared of spilling the whole bottle that is me out at one time. Afraid they might think I’m too much to handle and decide against being my friend. I think God is telling me that my bottle is just like anyone else though. We all have a past. I’ve been reading 1984 by George Orwell. I absolutely love this book by the way. But last night I read a toast that Winston was making. O’Brien asked, “What shall it be this time? To the confusion of the Thought Police? To the death of Big Brother? To humanity? To the future?” Winston said, “To the past.” O’Brien replied to him, “The past is more important.” O’Brien understood what Winston was saying. If we forget the past we forget who we are. So my new thinking on this fellowship thing that God is putting me into is that the past is what connects us all. We all have one, we can’t be sure about our futures, and if we only know each other in the present then we don’t really know each other at all.

At the community group that Blake and I are attending we are all sharing our stories condensed down to 20 minutes so that we can all better understand who we are. I find it very difficult to condense life down but I’ve been working on it. While working on it, I realize that I may never be a social butterfly but if people are willing to listen to my story I may connect with a few that are willing to stick to this journey with me.

And so begins my journey. I’ll be telling it in fragments for those few readers of mine and I will be telling it to my community group in a couple weeks. You’ll probably get more details here though.

Relief

In Philosophy a couple years ago we had to right a response to a question the professor asked. His question was “If you were about to die and had to tell your children what would you say?”

I gave my family a list of the way I want to live and the way I think they should live, too. First, I wanted them to put God first in all things. When your hope is with the Lord, everything else follows suit. How can you go wrong trusted someone so much bigger than yourself, someone who knew you before you did. “[Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authories–all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.” Colossians 1:15-18 As Christians if we don’t put Christ first, we’re fooling ourselves. Christ isn’t our God if he isn’t first, he’s more like a friend we run to only when things our going bad. We are the bride of Christ. It’s time to act like it.

Secondly, I said to be true your your spouses. They gave you their hand and trusted you to hold it forever. Don’t take that lightly. I was just recently married but I have our vows written in a notebook, bookmarked. Those vows were the most important and truthful words I’ve ever said to another person. Blake is the man I chose to spend my life with. I will give him all I can, and rely on him. But together I know our true hope relies in the faith, trust, love, and friendship we share. That’s more important to me than a lifetime of concerts, parties, games, and one night stands. I want to go on an adventure, and Blake is there to take it with me.

Thirdly, I told my “children” to take care of their own. I want nothing more than to be a mother one day. I couldn’t imagine not giving my kids a great life. Teaching them all I’ve learned and hoping they take it to heart. Giving them love no matter how they choose to live. I hope that my own children will know that some things you have to learn on your own, and some your family can teach you. You can choose what makes you stronger, and I hope the strength and love I give them will be enough.

Those are my priorities. Granted, I’m not there yet. Kids are yet to be in my life, maybe a few years down the road. So my close friends fill their spot now. The friends that will stick with me even when I don’t know where I’m stuck. But, I hope that I can live this out with all I am.

At church this morning, Dave asked what was first in our lives. I can honestly say my answer was not Christ. But, the more I thought about and remembered that response I wrote, I knew that Christ knows me best. He knows my heart, and accepts it anyways. It is such a relief to put first the person that put you first. That took the blood on your hands and put it on His own.

My Relief: “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” Col 1:17

What I may or may not know.

1. I know there is a severe lack of ambition in my life. I hate that.

2. I want to start having kids before I’m 30.

3. I don’t care where I live as long as I have Blake, I really won’t care especially when we have the money and time to travel home. Someday it’ll happen. I can be happy anywhere with Blake, I will always miss my parents though. There is no way around that.

4. I would enjoy being a librarian, because I love to read and would love to share that passion with others.

5. I would probably enjoy teaching Lit as well. Maybe that’s what I should go back to school for.

6. I want to fill out my FAFSA this year. I feel a need to go back to school ASAP. Hopefully financial aid and the government will look kindly on my broke ass.

7. I love my husband and want nothing more than for him to succeed in ALL his ambitions, no matter how hard that might seem.

8. When I’m old I want to tell my Grandchildren stories. I want them to know true love exists, their imaginations can take them everywhere, and that giving up is never an option.

9. I would love to do mission work. If I could travel to Africa to help AIDS victims, or lead a youth group, or preach, I would. I will.

10. I’m going to give encouragement. Because we all need a little of that.

Impossible? Maybe…we’ll know soon enough.

Take It Out On Me

I find it ironic that we always seem to hurt the person we most care about, when they are the person that we want to hurt the least.

I tend to be like more often than I like to admit. I carry work home with me, I stress over what to do with my life, I miss my family…and Blake unfortunately takes the brunt of it. I get cranky and irritable, somehow I always seem to blame it on him. I was watching the dogs play earlier and Blake would make them stop and “listen” then he’d yell BAH really loud at them. They immediately blamed the other for this outrageous noise and attacked. Sometimes that’s all it takes. I walk in the door, I’m flustered from working, and one word can set me off. Ignoring Blake for way longer than is necessary even if he really did do something wrong.

Why is this? Since I know he won’t leave, to a just take it out on him. I am knowingly hurting him when I do it, just like it hurts me when he’s frustrated. Commitment is a funny thing. You enter into it in a state of bliss excited and happy to be together. And then you realize the one person that you never thought could hurt you will.

I hear a voice though, asking for me to turn my irritations in a new direction, saying “Take it out on me.”  God can handle it. He lets us throw all of our worst words and frustrations out on Him so that we can love each other better. Instead of hurting each other, He allows us to give it to Him. He is big enough for it, and He still loves us as we continue to hurt Him. Sometimes I really wonder why and how He loves. And, most of the time I don’t have an answer to give. I think Love is still a concept we have yet to truly grasp.

funny things

I’ve learned a few things over the last couple months:

1. Blake is a thief in the night. Covers especially. Pillows occasionally.

2. We can fight/talk about something, and not be talking about the same thing at all.

3. I lose a lot of hair in the shower. Seriously. Hairballs, we’ve both had to deal.

4. Being woken up in the night by a hand touching your face is not cool.

5. Chocolate Cake + Chocolate Milk =  Nutritious Goodness