Relief

In Philosophy a couple years ago we had to right a response to a question the professor asked. His question was “If you were about to die and had to tell your children what would you say?”

I gave my family a list of the way I want to live and the way I think they should live, too. First, I wanted them to put God first in all things. When your hope is with the Lord, everything else follows suit. How can you go wrong trusted someone so much bigger than yourself, someone who knew you before you did. “[Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authories–all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.” Colossians 1:15-18 As Christians if we don’t put Christ first, we’re fooling ourselves. Christ isn’t our God if he isn’t first, he’s more like a friend we run to only when things our going bad. We are the bride of Christ. It’s time to act like it.

Secondly, I said to be true your your spouses. They gave you their hand and trusted you to hold it forever. Don’t take that lightly. I was just recently married but I have our vows written in a notebook, bookmarked. Those vows were the most important and truthful words I’ve ever said to another person. Blake is the man I chose to spend my life with. I will give him all I can, and rely on him. But together I know our true hope relies in the faith, trust, love, and friendship we share. That’s more important to me than a lifetime of concerts, parties, games, and one night stands. I want to go on an adventure, and Blake is there to take it with me.

Thirdly, I told my “children” to take care of their own. I want nothing more than to be a mother one day. I couldn’t imagine not giving my kids a great life. Teaching them all I’ve learned and hoping they take it to heart. Giving them love no matter how they choose to live. I hope that my own children will know that some things you have to learn on your own, and some your family can teach you. You can choose what makes you stronger, and I hope the strength and love I give them will be enough.

Those are my priorities. Granted, I’m not there yet. Kids are yet to be in my life, maybe a few years down the road. So my close friends fill their spot now. The friends that will stick with me even when I don’t know where I’m stuck. But, I hope that I can live this out with all I am.

At church this morning, Dave asked what was first in our lives. I can honestly say my answer was not Christ. But, the more I thought about and remembered that response I wrote, I knew that Christ knows me best. He knows my heart, and accepts it anyways. It is such a relief to put first the person that put you first. That took the blood on your hands and put it on His own.

My Relief: “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” Col 1:17

What I may or may not know.

1. I know there is a severe lack of ambition in my life. I hate that.

2. I want to start having kids before I’m 30.

3. I don’t care where I live as long as I have Blake, I really won’t care especially when we have the money and time to travel home. Someday it’ll happen. I can be happy anywhere with Blake, I will always miss my parents though. There is no way around that.

4. I would enjoy being a librarian, because I love to read and would love to share that passion with others.

5. I would probably enjoy teaching Lit as well. Maybe that’s what I should go back to school for.

6. I want to fill out my FAFSA this year. I feel a need to go back to school ASAP. Hopefully financial aid and the government will look kindly on my broke ass.

7. I love my husband and want nothing more than for him to succeed in ALL his ambitions, no matter how hard that might seem.

8. When I’m old I want to tell my Grandchildren stories. I want them to know true love exists, their imaginations can take them everywhere, and that giving up is never an option.

9. I would love to do mission work. If I could travel to Africa to help AIDS victims, or lead a youth group, or preach, I would. I will.

10. I’m going to give encouragement. Because we all need a little of that.

Impossible? Maybe…we’ll know soon enough.

Take It Out On Me

I find it ironic that we always seem to hurt the person we most care about, when they are the person that we want to hurt the least.

I tend to be like more often than I like to admit. I carry work home with me, I stress over what to do with my life, I miss my family…and Blake unfortunately takes the brunt of it. I get cranky and irritable, somehow I always seem to blame it on him. I was watching the dogs play earlier and Blake would make them stop and “listen” then he’d yell BAH really loud at them. They immediately blamed the other for this outrageous noise and attacked. Sometimes that’s all it takes. I walk in the door, I’m flustered from working, and one word can set me off. Ignoring Blake for way longer than is necessary even if he really did do something wrong.

Why is this? Since I know he won’t leave, to a just take it out on him. I am knowingly hurting him when I do it, just like it hurts me when he’s frustrated. Commitment is a funny thing. You enter into it in a state of bliss excited and happy to be together. And then you realize the one person that you never thought could hurt you will.

I hear a voice though, asking for me to turn my irritations in a new direction, saying “Take it out on me.”  God can handle it. He lets us throw all of our worst words and frustrations out on Him so that we can love each other better. Instead of hurting each other, He allows us to give it to Him. He is big enough for it, and He still loves us as we continue to hurt Him. Sometimes I really wonder why and how He loves. And, most of the time I don’t have an answer to give. I think Love is still a concept we have yet to truly grasp.

funny things

I’ve learned a few things over the last couple months:

1. Blake is a thief in the night. Covers especially. Pillows occasionally.

2. We can fight/talk about something, and not be talking about the same thing at all.

3. I lose a lot of hair in the shower. Seriously. Hairballs, we’ve both had to deal.

4. Being woken up in the night by a hand touching your face is not cool.

5. Chocolate Cake + Chocolate Milk =  Nutritious Goodness

growing up…or something like it

I’m 21 years old, I have an associates degree. I work at a bank, I’m a teller. Most people my age, are about to finish up their bachelor degrees, start their careers, maybe even start a family. I feel I’ve done things backwards and now I’m frowned upon by my peers. But I don’t really see it that way. I feel like I fit in with the 23 to 25 crowd that has a smal family (maybe just a husband and wife, maybe just single with a dog) that has a job, pays the bills to live, and still wants more.

I really don’t like going to things that reach toward the college age crowds, even though I am that age. I’m currently not in school because I want to be debt free when I start back. Originally I was going to be out of school for a semester, until I realized how much school really costs. Since I have to pay for the rest of school, I made the decision to pay off current student loans and other bills that I’ve acquired. I fight to live from paycheck to paycheck. Some people, like my peers and people who are supposed to friends, don’t understand that. “You’re doing it backwards.” You’re supposed to get your bachelor’s degree, start a career and then get married.

Well, what happens to those people who find love early? Who can’t bare to not be married to the person that know they’ll spend the rest of their life with. I just find that stupid to wait when you know. So I’m married, have an associates degree, I’m a teller, and I’m in debt. That’s me. But you shouldn’t look down on me for because I didn’t do things the way you think they should be done. When I’m finishing my degree in a few years and you are paying student loans and I’ve saved enough to not need student loans, you’ll understand how I felt all those years. Struggling to just get by.

I might do things in my own order, but I don’t regret them. So don’t judge me for doing things my way, the ways I think I was called to live. This is where I’m meant to be, and if you think that’s wrong then deal with it. I’m sick of being brought down by people who don’t understand and refuse to try.

Grounded.

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of people say that getting married makes you grounded. You’re feet are on the ground, and how it’s such a good thing, a good feeling. Well, yes marriage is a good thing, I’m not so sure about being grounded though. I think it ways being grounded holds you back in ways you would have never expected. I just think it’s funny how people long to be grounded, and now that I am (according to some) I’d rather be flyng.

I am very discontented with where I am. Sometime I wake up and I think why Nashville? And I realize, with Blake laying beside me, that we are chasing dreams. Unfortunately, my dream is a little less pronounced. I am content. I’m not happy but I’m content and comfortable where I am. That drives me absolutely nuts. I want to feel a little uncomfortable. I want to push myself. I want to do something that actually matters. Do MORE than just get up, go to work, workout, come home. I want to go to work and feel like it’s a new day, not the same old thing.

I would love to be doing something: finishing school, helping children, helping the homeless, teaching, singing, anything.  The things that bring me the most joy in my life is my family. Blake. That’s who I have right now, and I don’t feel like I’m giving him all I can, because I’m not doing all I can. I’ve grounded myself, instead of letting myself go to be what I can for him. So instead of feeling grounded  by him, for him, I’m going to get up and fly…with him.

Get Out of My Way.

“I have enough time, I just don’t have patience.”

I was driving to work this morning. For one, I go through school zones which aren’t terrible but traffic slows to 15 mph. Which is ridiculous, I’m used to Lamar and it being 25. AND they have crossing guards, does it really need to be 15 when there is a crossing guard. The regular speed limit is 45 so it’s just kind of annoying. That, however, is not my pet peeve.

I was just past the second school zone, making very good time. When a cop pulled over a truck for doing something stupid. The truck was in the left hand lane, I was in the right. It did the right thing by pulling over to the right and then went into a parking lot to get out of the way. I’m thinking, go driver! and am excited that they actually got out of the way instead of getting onto the very narrow shoulder off the street. So, what I think is a blessing, others turn into a curse.

Those who saw the truck get pulled over decide they must slam onto the brakes and turn to look and see what happened. Obviously the driver made a mistake and you aren’t going to see what mistake he made AFTER he has been pulled over. So I swerve to the left lane and leave the gawkers in the right. I return to the right lane after I’ve past the exhilarating commotion or lack there of. And I’m thinking afterwards, why did I swerve around on that? I’m still going to be on time to work, actually a little early. It would have cost me maybe an extra minute. But that was my minute to control not some other drivers!

Then I thought, “I have enough time, I just don’t have patience.” It’s little things like driving when I don’t realize I’m being taught a lesson. I want to use my minutes to my advantage, I don’t want someone else getting in my way. I guess, I just can’t understand how letting those minutes flow by may help me to become a better person or may put in a better place. What if I had waited that minute and pulled up next to Martina McBride or Keith Urban? That would have definitely been worth the while. I guess anything can happen and sometimes things happen for a reason regardless of what we think. Patience is a virtue, and I haven’t really learned that yet.

Cake

Today, I made a red velvet cake. For whatever reason cake is becoming a popular item on our shopping list. It’s so popular on our list that it is actually one of the few “groceries” we’ve purchased since being back from the honeymoon and wedding. The rest of those items include chips, cereal, panini items, and quesadilla items. Yeah, we’re healthy.

Anyways, I made a red velvet cake this afternoon. As soon as they cooled off enough I took the two round cakes out of their pans. The first I plopped onto a plate and started to ice (cream cheese icing, so good). Of course, the cake wasn’t entirely cool. That always seems to be my problem with cake, I get so excited about the actual cake that I don’t take my time to make it look perfect. So the icing got mixed a little with the top of the cake. Red velvet and cream cheese icing, no big deal right? And the sides are covered, maybe a little thin. The icing, absolutely gone. You know how some people can ice a cake without using the whole jar? Not me, I can’t hardly manage covering the cake with one can. Maybe that’s why my dad always wanted double frosting.

My point, however, is this. When we cut into the cake it tasted just the same. It may not have looked like it came straight from a gourmet bakery but it tasted just as good.  I feel like life is the same way. If we look into someones life it might look just like my messy cake and taste delicious. It might even look like a beautiful wedding cake, but taste like garbage. I guess, you can’t judge a cake by it’s icing. You can’t judge  life by what you see. Don’t be so quick to judge those around you, until you have tasted what they have. So it’s ok that I don’t make my cake or life “perfect.” The more perfect I try to make my life look, the less it becomes my life. My life might be messy and in disarray, but it tastes better than anything I could possibly imagine.

Homeless

I ache every time I see a homeless person on the side of the road. I can’t help but feel for them. What a hard life! No one cuts you a break except an occasional hand out.
Sometimes I think I should give them a couple dollars, there is a McDonalds down the street…there’s also a liquor store but you still have to hold out hope. But then you start to budget, if I have two less dollars, that could be two dollars I’m short on rent, or countless other expenses that we “need.” Usually after I’ve budgeted I realize I could spare the two bucks but I’m already passed the person and can’t waste the gas to turn around and back track.
Then, I start thinking “What would Jesus do?” cheesy yes, but did Jesus ever really have a home? Didn’t he sort of just wander and teach about his Father in heaven, perform some miracles, establish his church? When you think about it you realize he never really had a home, people just cared for him and he showed them love in return. We were called to be like Christ, maybe it’s time for us to start budgeting our lives and start giving that two dollars and then maybe we’ll be able to start giving more to all of our brothers and sisters.
What would happen if we took a wanderer in off the street? What would happen if we just took someone out to lunch and shared our story? What if we actually listened to each other? And what if we were all homeless? Would we help each other out, or would we fend for ourselves?
I think we were called to be homeless. We were called to be wanderers and share our stories, our blessings, our God. Sometimes, I’m rather jealous of that homeless person. I’m sure the one I saw today has no fear of asking for help, of walking up to a stranger to tell his story, of needing a little love. We all need these things, we’re just shared of letting ourselves go. We’re scared of being vulnerable, probably because in a way we are homeless. We just haven’t realized it yet, we haven’t realized that we can’t live in the fear. We’re comfortable in our own fear, and that’s pretty scary.

Love. The Pact.

I recently finished reading “The Pact” by Jodi Picoult. It was a love story about two teenagers. Picoult truly captured the heart of readers and the heart of her characters. Upon finishing the book I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was shocked, happy, sad, mad, excited. My thoughts were indescribable. I couldn’t make sense of how I was feeling.
It definitely had to do with the love in the story though. When care more about how another person feels then how you yourself feels it can be a very powerful thing. Somehow you bear a little more pain just so they won’t have to. However, this can also be unhealthy. There comes a time when you both have to shoulder the burden, you can’t let it rest on one person more than the other. At times you take a little bigger load, and at times you take the lighter load. It’s just a matter of what one person can handle at any given time. But carrying a load so big can crush a person. It can hurt more painfully than anyone else when you let that person take too much because you didn’t think you could handle it.
In “The Pact” Chris was crushed with wanting to lift Emily’s burden and also with wanting to please her no matter what. He couldn’t bear to not see her happy so he gave her what she wanted. Death. Last night I laid in bed for hours trying to get myself to sleep. I stared at the fan until three in morning. I wanted to shake Blake awake and ask him if he could pull the trigger for me like Chris did for Em. I hoped and still do that the answer would be no. I couldn’t bear leaving such a heavy load on his shoulders. I couldn’t handle seeing him crushed after the fact.
As I lay there, my heart pounding with grief for Chris and the pain of carrying a load to heavy I looked over at Blake sleeping soundly. Part of me was jealous because my mind was wide awake and it was three in the morning. Part of me however was grateful. If one of us could rest, then we would be strong enough to get through the next day. Maybe his load would be a little heavier and maybe mine would be heavier the next day.
I also realized how calm it made me to see him asleep there. I’ve always heard that it is love when you get butterflies in your stomach and your heart is racing. I felt that when Blake and I first started dating, when we got engaged and on our wedding day (and random other times I’m sure) but it’s never really been a constant thing when I look at him. My heart was pounding last night until I looked at him. I took comfort in Blake being right next to me. My heart began to beat at a slow steady pace and I was eventually able to nod off to sleep. I realized love isn’t about the butterflies. I trust Blake, I take comfort in him, I love him because that’s what my heart says when it beats out a rhythm. It’s calling to my husband, a steady beat saying how much I love and cherish him.