A Cord of 3 Strands

Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

I find marriage such a beautiful thing. Today in church our pastor brought up Matthew 18:20, when two or more gather in my name there I will be also. It started me thinking about what a glorious thing Christian marriage is. When a man and wife come together in the Spirit they are joined in Christ’s name forever. Jesus is always with them. They came together in his name to become one, and the two will never be apart from Christ.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Colossians 3:13-14 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Mark 10:9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

What I learned Today.

Today I learned that I will never be a “good wife.” I will never know just what to say and when to say it. I will probaly not say it loud enough even if I do find the right time. I’m probably never going to make my husband happy. Or permanently happy that is. I don’t have the ability to be everything, and I don’t want it. I can’t be perfect, I can only be me. And me, is a little messed up. However, my husband and I are firm believers in Jesus. He is where our salvation lies, where our happiness lies. And I can be happy with that always.

So, I can never be a “good wife.” But I do know that I can be a loving wife, and I think that matters most.

Take It Out On Me

I find it ironic that we always seem to hurt the person we most care about, when they are the person that we want to hurt the least.

I tend to be like more often than I like to admit. I carry work home with me, I stress over what to do with my life, I miss my family…and Blake unfortunately takes the brunt of it. I get cranky and irritable, somehow I always seem to blame it on him. I was watching the dogs play earlier and Blake would make them stop and “listen” then he’d yell BAH really loud at them. They immediately blamed the other for this outrageous noise and attacked. Sometimes that’s all it takes. I walk in the door, I’m flustered from working, and one word can set me off. Ignoring Blake for way longer than is necessary even if he really did do something wrong.

Why is this? Since I know he won’t leave, to a just take it out on him. I am knowingly hurting him when I do it, just like it hurts me when he’s frustrated. Commitment is a funny thing. You enter into it in a state of bliss excited and happy to be together. And then you realize the one person that you never thought could hurt you will.

I hear a voice though, asking for me to turn my irritations in a new direction, saying “Take it out on me.”  God can handle it. He lets us throw all of our worst words and frustrations out on Him so that we can love each other better. Instead of hurting each other, He allows us to give it to Him. He is big enough for it, and He still loves us as we continue to hurt Him. Sometimes I really wonder why and how He loves. And, most of the time I don’t have an answer to give. I think Love is still a concept we have yet to truly grasp.

funny things

I’ve learned a few things over the last couple months:

1. Blake is a thief in the night. Covers especially. Pillows occasionally.

2. We can fight/talk about something, and not be talking about the same thing at all.

3. I lose a lot of hair in the shower. Seriously. Hairballs, we’ve both had to deal.

4. Being woken up in the night by a hand touching your face is not cool.

5. Chocolate Cake + Chocolate Milk =  Nutritious Goodness

Grounded.

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of people say that getting married makes you grounded. You’re feet are on the ground, and how it’s such a good thing, a good feeling. Well, yes marriage is a good thing, I’m not so sure about being grounded though. I think it ways being grounded holds you back in ways you would have never expected. I just think it’s funny how people long to be grounded, and now that I am (according to some) I’d rather be flyng.

I am very discontented with where I am. Sometime I wake up and I think why Nashville? And I realize, with Blake laying beside me, that we are chasing dreams. Unfortunately, my dream is a little less pronounced. I am content. I’m not happy but I’m content and comfortable where I am. That drives me absolutely nuts. I want to feel a little uncomfortable. I want to push myself. I want to do something that actually matters. Do MORE than just get up, go to work, workout, come home. I want to go to work and feel like it’s a new day, not the same old thing.

I would love to be doing something: finishing school, helping children, helping the homeless, teaching, singing, anything.  The things that bring me the most joy in my life is my family. Blake. That’s who I have right now, and I don’t feel like I’m giving him all I can, because I’m not doing all I can. I’ve grounded myself, instead of letting myself go to be what I can for him. So instead of feeling grounded  by him, for him, I’m going to get up and fly…with him.

Love. The Pact.

I recently finished reading “The Pact” by Jodi Picoult. It was a love story about two teenagers. Picoult truly captured the heart of readers and the heart of her characters. Upon finishing the book I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was shocked, happy, sad, mad, excited. My thoughts were indescribable. I couldn’t make sense of how I was feeling.
It definitely had to do with the love in the story though. When care more about how another person feels then how you yourself feels it can be a very powerful thing. Somehow you bear a little more pain just so they won’t have to. However, this can also be unhealthy. There comes a time when you both have to shoulder the burden, you can’t let it rest on one person more than the other. At times you take a little bigger load, and at times you take the lighter load. It’s just a matter of what one person can handle at any given time. But carrying a load so big can crush a person. It can hurt more painfully than anyone else when you let that person take too much because you didn’t think you could handle it.
In “The Pact” Chris was crushed with wanting to lift Emily’s burden and also with wanting to please her no matter what. He couldn’t bear to not see her happy so he gave her what she wanted. Death. Last night I laid in bed for hours trying to get myself to sleep. I stared at the fan until three in morning. I wanted to shake Blake awake and ask him if he could pull the trigger for me like Chris did for Em. I hoped and still do that the answer would be no. I couldn’t bear leaving such a heavy load on his shoulders. I couldn’t handle seeing him crushed after the fact.
As I lay there, my heart pounding with grief for Chris and the pain of carrying a load to heavy I looked over at Blake sleeping soundly. Part of me was jealous because my mind was wide awake and it was three in the morning. Part of me however was grateful. If one of us could rest, then we would be strong enough to get through the next day. Maybe his load would be a little heavier and maybe mine would be heavier the next day.
I also realized how calm it made me to see him asleep there. I’ve always heard that it is love when you get butterflies in your stomach and your heart is racing. I felt that when Blake and I first started dating, when we got engaged and on our wedding day (and random other times I’m sure) but it’s never really been a constant thing when I look at him. My heart was pounding last night until I looked at him. I took comfort in Blake being right next to me. My heart began to beat at a slow steady pace and I was eventually able to nod off to sleep. I realized love isn’t about the butterflies. I trust Blake, I take comfort in him, I love him because that’s what my heart says when it beats out a rhythm. It’s calling to my husband, a steady beat saying how much I love and cherish him.