Relief

In Philosophy a couple years ago we had to right a response to a question the professor asked. His question was “If you were about to die and had to tell your children what would you say?”

I gave my family a list of the way I want to live and the way I think they should live, too. First, I wanted them to put God first in all things. When your hope is with the Lord, everything else follows suit. How can you go wrong trusted someone so much bigger than yourself, someone who knew you before you did. “[Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authories–all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.” Colossians 1:15-18 As Christians if we don’t put Christ first, we’re fooling ourselves. Christ isn’t our God if he isn’t first, he’s more like a friend we run to only when things our going bad. We are the bride of Christ. It’s time to act like it.

Secondly, I said to be true your your spouses. They gave you their hand and trusted you to hold it forever. Don’t take that lightly. I was just recently married but I have our vows written in a notebook, bookmarked. Those vows were the most important and truthful words I’ve ever said to another person. Blake is the man I chose to spend my life with. I will give him all I can, and rely on him. But together I know our true hope relies in the faith, trust, love, and friendship we share. That’s more important to me than a lifetime of concerts, parties, games, and one night stands. I want to go on an adventure, and Blake is there to take it with me.

Thirdly, I told my “children” to take care of their own. I want nothing more than to be a mother one day. I couldn’t imagine not giving my kids a great life. Teaching them all I’ve learned and hoping they take it to heart. Giving them love no matter how they choose to live. I hope that my own children will know that some things you have to learn on your own, and some your family can teach you. You can choose what makes you stronger, and I hope the strength and love I give them will be enough.

Those are my priorities. Granted, I’m not there yet. Kids are yet to be in my life, maybe a few years down the road. So my close friends fill their spot now. The friends that will stick with me even when I don’t know where I’m stuck. But, I hope that I can live this out with all I am.

At church this morning, Dave asked what was first in our lives. I can honestly say my answer was not Christ. But, the more I thought about and remembered that response I wrote, I knew that Christ knows me best. He knows my heart, and accepts it anyways. It is such a relief to put first the person that put you first. That took the blood on your hands and put it on His own.

My Relief: “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” Col 1:17

What I may or may not know.

1. I know there is a severe lack of ambition in my life. I hate that.

2. I want to start having kids before I’m 30.

3. I don’t care where I live as long as I have Blake, I really won’t care especially when we have the money and time to travel home. Someday it’ll happen. I can be happy anywhere with Blake, I will always miss my parents though. There is no way around that.

4. I would enjoy being a librarian, because I love to read and would love to share that passion with others.

5. I would probably enjoy teaching Lit as well. Maybe that’s what I should go back to school for.

6. I want to fill out my FAFSA this year. I feel a need to go back to school ASAP. Hopefully financial aid and the government will look kindly on my broke ass.

7. I love my husband and want nothing more than for him to succeed in ALL his ambitions, no matter how hard that might seem.

8. When I’m old I want to tell my Grandchildren stories. I want them to know true love exists, their imaginations can take them everywhere, and that giving up is never an option.

9. I would love to do mission work. If I could travel to Africa to help AIDS victims, or lead a youth group, or preach, I would. I will.

10. I’m going to give encouragement. Because we all need a little of that.

Impossible? Maybe…we’ll know soon enough.

Take It Out On Me

I find it ironic that we always seem to hurt the person we most care about, when they are the person that we want to hurt the least.

I tend to be like more often than I like to admit. I carry work home with me, I stress over what to do with my life, I miss my family…and Blake unfortunately takes the brunt of it. I get cranky and irritable, somehow I always seem to blame it on him. I was watching the dogs play earlier and Blake would make them stop and “listen” then he’d yell BAH really loud at them. They immediately blamed the other for this outrageous noise and attacked. Sometimes that’s all it takes. I walk in the door, I’m flustered from working, and one word can set me off. Ignoring Blake for way longer than is necessary even if he really did do something wrong.

Why is this? Since I know he won’t leave, to a just take it out on him. I am knowingly hurting him when I do it, just like it hurts me when he’s frustrated. Commitment is a funny thing. You enter into it in a state of bliss excited and happy to be together. And then you realize the one person that you never thought could hurt you will.

I hear a voice though, asking for me to turn my irritations in a new direction, saying “Take it out on me.”  God can handle it. He lets us throw all of our worst words and frustrations out on Him so that we can love each other better. Instead of hurting each other, He allows us to give it to Him. He is big enough for it, and He still loves us as we continue to hurt Him. Sometimes I really wonder why and how He loves. And, most of the time I don’t have an answer to give. I think Love is still a concept we have yet to truly grasp.

Homeless

I ache every time I see a homeless person on the side of the road. I can’t help but feel for them. What a hard life! No one cuts you a break except an occasional hand out.
Sometimes I think I should give them a couple dollars, there is a McDonalds down the street…there’s also a liquor store but you still have to hold out hope. But then you start to budget, if I have two less dollars, that could be two dollars I’m short on rent, or countless other expenses that we “need.” Usually after I’ve budgeted I realize I could spare the two bucks but I’m already passed the person and can’t waste the gas to turn around and back track.
Then, I start thinking “What would Jesus do?” cheesy yes, but did Jesus ever really have a home? Didn’t he sort of just wander and teach about his Father in heaven, perform some miracles, establish his church? When you think about it you realize he never really had a home, people just cared for him and he showed them love in return. We were called to be like Christ, maybe it’s time for us to start budgeting our lives and start giving that two dollars and then maybe we’ll be able to start giving more to all of our brothers and sisters.
What would happen if we took a wanderer in off the street? What would happen if we just took someone out to lunch and shared our story? What if we actually listened to each other? And what if we were all homeless? Would we help each other out, or would we fend for ourselves?
I think we were called to be homeless. We were called to be wanderers and share our stories, our blessings, our God. Sometimes, I’m rather jealous of that homeless person. I’m sure the one I saw today has no fear of asking for help, of walking up to a stranger to tell his story, of needing a little love. We all need these things, we’re just shared of letting ourselves go. We’re scared of being vulnerable, probably because in a way we are homeless. We just haven’t realized it yet, we haven’t realized that we can’t live in the fear. We’re comfortable in our own fear, and that’s pretty scary.